By Nancy Gonzalez

One of NCFR’s finest, Pauline Boss, is one of my professional heroes.  As NCFR members know, she began theorizing about family stress, resilience and loss over 30 years ago.  As her expertise grew, so did her awareness of a type of loss and resilience that the literature not only did not address—she found that in many cases of uncommon losses, the research was equivocal at best and, at times, downright wrong.   Pauline discovered that there were some kinds of losses that were not typical of the human experience.  Well-meaning therapists do their best, but she was finding that the field’s best practices for grief, loss or bereavement were incomplete.  She also observed that there is a type of human response to unresolved grief that looks like pathology, but it’s not.  Using the vernacular, sometimes people may say they feel crazy—but they are in fact normal, resilient people living under crazy circumstances.  It’s the context that is pathological.

Enter “Ambiguous Loss.”  It’s the term she coined to describe this unique life experience.   Pauline has worked with survivors of incredible atrocities in Kosovo, the 9/11 tragedy and many other extraordinary events such as loved ones who go missing physically—and those who are lost to dementia and the like. Pauline’s work has added immeasurably to the field. She is capable of some very astonishing skills, such as being able to say to a client, “I don’t know.” 

She has debunked the “closure” buncombe, hopefully for good.  While “closure” may arguably be a therapeutic goal for uncomplicated bereavements and some losses, in cases of Ambiguous Loss, it may not be possible nor even therapeutically advisable.  She tells us that “community” can sometimes be more therapeutic for the bereft than any sort of health provider services.  And she explains the reasons why Emergency Response interventions, such as Critical Incident Stress Debriefings may be contraindicated with some clients.  Moreover, she informs the therapeutic community that most survivors of catastrophes will not develop PTSD and cautions that we look for resiliency and not just pathology.

When I think about what constitutes an Ambiguous Loss, I think about a major loss in own life.  Ambiguous Loss situations are experiences of anguish for which there is no greeting card available; indeed, they are circumstances in which acknowledging the feelings seem uncomfortable or even ill-mannered in polite society.  Imagine the following sentiments:

“Sorry for the disrupted adoption with your foster child whom you had to relinquish for her own good.  Thinking of you as you spend the rest of your life remembering her birthday, ticking off the years, and wondering where she is. It will always be painful. No one else is likely to mention her again—but I will remember her.”

“Congratulations on the death of your abusive parent!  Although the rest of the world will expect you to maintain the face of a grieving child, (and you will, just because it’s less hassle), as your true friend I know you secretly feel wonderful that you have finished the book and now see those wonderful words, ‘The End’.”

Pauline’s book “Ambiguous Loss” was published just when I needed it—and her work spared me much pain.  Pauline and her husband Dudley Riggs live in the Twin Cities area.  I ran into them at the mall just before Christmas and sat down with them briefly for coffee.  Pauline and I both live within a couple miles of that shopping mall.  Her wisdom, however, is always at my fingertips. Her books are lined up on my shelf near my bedside table for access anytime I need them.  

Pauline’s work came to my attention after a devastating personal loss my family endured.  Shortly after our crisis, a dear family friend, Dr. Martin Marty, the world-famous University of Chicago Theologian, sent me a copy of Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Life with Unresolved Grief.  “Marty” is one of the most discerning human beings on the planet.  He “got it,” because she “got it.” Finally.  Someone gave me the words to understand the suffering.

She has a new book—Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss, (2006) by W.W.Norton.  This masterpiece picks up where Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief left off.  I won’t spoil it for the prospective reader, but I will disclose that in this book, she weaves insightful memoir into her work.  Where do gifted theorists come from?  How could a successful, brilliant scholar possibly understand your and my pain?  Pick it up and find out.  Check out her website at www.ambiguousloss.com  .

Do you know someone experiencing a loss for which no greeting card exists?  I suggest sending some of Pauline’s work.  If you don’t have the words of comfort, I assure you—she does.  She described The Other Problem that Had No Name.