By Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE

My husband asked me a question recently that was rather depressing.

We live about 3 blocks away from our suburb’s largest park. He walks our dog to the park, makes a loop around and heads back home—about 1.5 miles. About two-thirds of the way, there’s a park bench. He likes to sit down for a few minutes—he’s a diabetic, and it’s the perfect point in his walk to assess whether he needs a hit of glucose before he walks home.

The depressing question he asked me was: “If I sit for a few minutes on that bench, will I look creepy?” The reason he asked is that the bench in question is right next to the playground. Not only does the bench put him in close proximity to playing children, our Border Collie is an absolute magnet for kids. Within a couple minutes, kids crowd around “Jackie” and ask my husband, “Can I pet your dog?” Jackie loves humans of all ages, so she’s a big hit at the park.

His question was quite revealing, especially in light of the book I was reading: Men on a Mission by NCFR member William “Bill” Marsiglio. I told my husband that I was reading a book that addressed his fears exactly—and the potential cost of having those fears. Bill’s book is all about male “generativity”—the term that theorist Erik Erikson coined for the “mission” many feel to mentor young people. My husband, who was/is one of the best dads I know and who is extraordinarily patient with youngsters, “thought twice” about how he would be perceived sitting next to a playground.  He would have a lot to offer another young lad, now that our son is an adult. But he is leery—even to sit on that park bench for too long. Bill shares in his book how this perception has affected him, too—and he is one of NCFR’s leading researchers on fatherhood and youth development—and a devoted dad himself. This is one of the most tragic of societal developments, given the evidence that youth mentoring programs bolster child resilience and change lives in a big way.

Men on a Mission is a fabulous book in which Bill writes about his qualitative study of 55 adult men who engage in youth development activities. He summarizes the motivations behind these men’s dedication to mentoring boys and how these men were touched by the experience of watching their mentees develop. He also discusses some of the barriers men feel to working with youth—the perception that nurturing is a female task, and worse, the perception that any man who wants to spend time with children may be a pedophile.

Looking at this as an amateur epidemiologist, just a few seconds of arithmetic using Census data gives us an idea of the societal potential of youth mentoring and its possibilities for an impact on public health.

The population of the U.S. is just over 300 million and the number of adult male ages 20 - 64 is almost 90 million.  Let’s just say hypothetically that when one screens out those with pathologies, those who are temperamentally unsuitable or those who are unavailable for other reasons, we are left with 10% of U.S. men who could act as positive role models for youth. (probably a conservative estimate). 

Now let’s suppose that these 9 million men mentored 9 million youth. There are about 42 million boys ages 0 – 19 in the U.S. That would mean that roughly one in five male youth would have an older dude to look up to. Imagine! Bill Marsiglio cites that there are likely about 3 million American kids who are active in official mentoring programs. Let’s take a leap and say that half are boys, so 1.5 million. What if we could raise the number of formal mentors by six fold? 

There are undoubtedly many youth who are being mentored via informal “programs” by neighbors or other adults in their lives outside their families; Bill estimates that approximately 50 – 60 % of youth have such a relationship.  But that still means that there are roughly 20 million boys in the U.S. who have no significant non-family male role model in their lives.

The cost to these boys may be substantial. In a study that he cites from the Big Brothers/ Big Sisters organization, youth ages 10 – 16 who were involved in a one-on-one mentoring relationship were significantly less likely to initiate drug or alcohol use, hit someone, or skip school.

In another high quality study, The Development of the Person: the Minnesota Study of Risk and Adaptation from Birth to Adulthood, by L. Alan Sroufe, Byron Egeland, Elizabeth Carlson and W. Andrew Collins, the authors’ research finds that a stable male in a child’s life is a significant protective factor. Bill also directs readers to the research by the Search Institute. Search identified 40 developmental assets associated with adolescent well-being, of which “Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults” is one.  Here is the link: http://www.search-institute.org/system/files/40AssetsList.pdf Another NCFR, member, Robert Milardo, has done some wonderful research on the positive impact uncles can have on nephews. The studies that replicate these findings are abundant.

How can we get more men involved in youth work?  I wish that men who are interested in mentoring would read Bill’s book. Potential mentors should read the verbatim narratives that these mentors shared with Bill in his in-depth interviews. It’s clear that the payoffs work both ways. Generativity is good for adults too. Story after story described the experience as life-changing for the men involved.

There is an active fatherhood movement underway; we need to educate the public as to the value that men can have on their communities by participating in youth work. We need to have rigorous screening procedures in place to weed out dangerous people—no question here. But we, as a society, must figure out a way to place the very real fear of child victimization in perspective and ask ourselves: how many boys are being hurt by not having a stable male role model in their lives? This may be a far greater risk to child well-being in the aggregate.

Bill’s book is listed on our NCFR “On the Bookshelf” section of our website which has the direct link to order it online. http://www.ncfr.org/bookshelf.asp .Thanks, Bill, for a great read and for your enormous gift to the field of youth development—you’re mentoring the mentors.

Epilogue: 

Now I must apologize for what will be a long blog. But I believe NCFR members would like to listen-in on my follow-up conversation with the author. I sent this essay to Bill Marsiglio for comment, as is my custom before posting book reviews,… and I was blown away by an observation of his that is prima facie evidence that someone like me who is trained in the family sciences—and enthusiastically supportive of youth mentoring—can still completely miss the mark.

Bill sent back the following comments (in italics), pointing out that my review didn’t capture one important fact: that “Men on their Missions” could have as valuable an impact on girls’ development as well. Here’s what Bill said,

“Although the men I interviewed did mentor boys more than girls, I made a conscious effort to accentuate how men can and do make a difference for girls as well as boys.  Perhaps I didn’t do it well enough if you were left only with an image of men and boys [  ] …  girls can benefit a great deal from being around supportive adult males as well. These males are sometimes their teachers, coaches, 4-H club agents, youth ministers, music instructors, probation officers, staff members at Boys & Girls clubs, etc.”

How could I miss this?  Amazingly, in my original essay, I stress the fact that men are unfairly viewed as dangerous in many cases—yet I fell into the same trap because of my personal experience!  I wrote back to Bill:

“Bill -- thanks for your comments. What happened is "about me" and not about the book, which I find fascinating (and troubling) for myself. I'm not a journalist, and what bloggers do (more so) is filter information through their own experience. I completely dismissed the notion that men could be mentors for girls, which is extremely ironic because your book is about what society interprets as the possible good men can serve for all youth. I fell into the trap.

My review was filtered through my own experience. Having grown up with a violent father (an intimate terrorist, actually) my feeling as a youth/teen was that any mentor of the male variety would have been impossibly out of the question.  I would have run frantically in the other direction. I managed to find an extremely laid-back husband, but I didn't cultivate close male friends until well into my upper 20s.  Now I have lots of them—and now I even have a male mentor—but as a youth, forget it. 

[  ] This one was hard, because I write from my soul (I'm largely a memoirist and humorist) and my subconscious was working overtime not to look at that angle of the book.

I am blown away by my own biases. I am fascinated by the process that transpired in my mind. It was an absolute textbook example of a psychological transference reaction.  What a wake-up call.

Gosh, I learned so much about myself.... how my family history profoundly affects my life to this day. My brother's voice is very, very similar to that of my late father. Dad has been dead 19 years, but still, when my brother calls me, I still get an adrenaline rush when he says the first three words or so. I'm OK if I'm the one who places the phone call--I'm prepared for it.”

Then Bill wrote back:

“Thanks for sharing.  I've known other women who have had somewhat similar experiences, [  ] but it's difficult for someone like me who hasn't lived a similar life to grasp experientially the long lasting, and profound, impact such negative parent-child relations can have. You are quite analytical and bright, so the fact that you didn't see your slant is telling. But, I'm glad this process has provided you one more kernel of insight into the incredibly complex "human condition(s)"--your own included. I wish my real students were so responsive to constructive criticism. [ ] Good luck on the revision.  I look forward to seeing it--and how far you're willing to go into the personal.”

So there it is. I debated whether to “go into the personal” and share my error and the basis for it. I decided to do it. Why?  Because being an effective Family Life Educator requires painful self-reflection at times. It’s also because this is a way for me to serve as a blogging mentor.  Mentoring is sometimes about sharing one’s missteps with others, to help them from making the same mistakes.

Reading Men on a Mission was perhaps the best educational experience I will have in some time. Thank you, Bill, for leading me on a journey I needed to take. This “girl” is grateful for your mentoring.